Rediscovering Me

Rediscovering Mehttp://finishingtheaffairwithanorexia.blog.co.uk/en-EUhourly82000-01-01T12:00+00:00Rediscovering Mehttp://finishingtheaffairwithanorexia.blog.co.uk/http://data5.blog.de/design/preview/bb/4174207778b42fdff9a67a12ed9a5a_160x200.jpgIt starts herehttp://finishingtheaffairwithanorexia.blog.co.uk/2008/09/26/it-starts-here-4782187/2008-09-26T09:55:06+02:00 I'd suspected for several months, so I don't know whether it was more shock or anger which struck most about the revelation. He'd been having an affair - an affair he'd made such little attempt to hide that he'd revealed the details via a conversation on Facebook. Okay, so I logged in to his account to discover that conversation, which of course, was completely and utterly wrong...but ultimately not a patch on the fact that he'd been having an affair for months and exposing the sexual nature of that in chats with 'her'. So anyway, that was last Friday night's discovery. Him away for several nights with work (nothing new there), and me tucked up in bed and whiling away a few hours before the start of another weekend of my self-induced obligatory exercising and getting away with as little food consumption as possible. You see, I'm an anorexic. Not a recovered one, not even a sufficiently 'recovering' or 'improved' one - just anorexic. Plain and simple. For years now, I've been chained to this disorder, and while i'm sat here feeling the effects of his gruesome, awful, painful, sickening affair, the reality is that my own affair has been taking place with an eating disorder. I've had this third party at the centre of our relationship since the day i fell in love with him seven years ago. Admittedly, i was slightly better when he and I started together then than i have become in recent years. In total, the disease has had me in its grip for little short of 12 years - and he arrived on the scene after a period of weight restoration and at a point when i genuinely believed that I'd turned a corner and was ready to be loved. He believed that too. We've had our ups and downs - sometimes with the food being barely an issue in our busy and complex lives, sometimes with it being the source of blazing rows and awful lies that no couple should ever have to go through. And that's where the problem of our recent relationship lies. Those rows extended, the pain grew, the hurt mounted....and with it, the lies which we would impose on each other. Ultimately, despite him telling me time and time again that our relationship was at the brink, I chose not to listen (or was deafened by the voice of Ana) and wound up watching the love of my life have an affair with someone less complicated, less stressful, more sexy, more healthy....more promising. God. If only i'd just realised a few months ago that i had pushed us both to the end of the road. Why didn't I see it reaching this climax? Why didn't I wake up and get a grip of my own 'affair' and stop it in its tracks? Instead, day after day, night after night, I'd lie about food when he wasn't there, push food around my plate when he was there, exercise too much, rest too little, and continually shy away from his affections and compassion. So is it any wonder the guy needed some attention elsewhere? Is it any wonder my affair prompted his? But where does all this leave me today? All i know is that far too much time and grief has been spent on this illness / disease / disorder / whatever label you want to give to it. Do i hate him for the affair? Yes, yes of course I hate him for doing the one thing that was always going to hurt me so so much. I hate him for ruining my happy ever after by being a man capable of sleeping with another woman. But did I deserve it, do I believe that it was possibly the only thing that would make me realise the state he and I were in...well actually, yes, I do believe that. It doesn't in any way make it right or acceptable, but Lord knows it's made little difference when I've been told what a state my potential fertility is in, the fact that I've had osteoporosis since my late 20s or that I risk major heart problems. None of that changed a thing. In fact, the irony of all this is that in the last three weeks i've had the most awful personal situation to contend with, and yet nothing has helped me waks up quite like discovering his affair. My dad has been diagnosed with cancer, my gran suffered a stroke (and subsequently died)...and now this. Much as I'd love to say that one of those earlier things might have been enough to finally help me turn the corner, I think i can say with hand on heart that they just weren't....or else surely the counselling and professional assistance in previous years would have worked their magic. So this why I entitle this blog 'It Starts Here'. It has gone on too long, caused too much pain and left too many lives shattered or in some way affected. Why on earth it has taken me so long to get to this stage, I can't say, other than that this as an horrendous and addictive illness which takes enormous strength to overcome. My mistake has been not trying to battle it earlier. But here, here and now, I vow to put this affair behind me and to begin my new Real Life. I don't know where that leaves Him and I. I don't know if we will make it, if he will ever love me like he used to, if I will ever fully forgive him or if he can find it within him to forgive or to begin to trust me. All i know is that too many tears and years have been wasted on this. If you're in the early stages of your own E-D affair or compulsive addiction, then please, for God's sake, do something sane and appropriate. Stop this illness and take control of your own life. There is too much at stake. I am already paying the price emotionally in far more severe way than I ever thought possible. Please, for me, put an end to your disorder and seek the love and support of those around you. To conquer this is by far the better thing for you, your loved ones and the future you may one day allow yourself. It starts here for me. It could for you too. <a href="http://finishingtheaffairwithanorexia.blog.co.uk/2008/09/26/it-starts-here-4782187/#comments">Comments</a> I'd suspected for several months, so I don't know whether it was more shock or anger which struck most about the revelation.
He'd been having an affair - an affair he'd made such little attempt to hide that he'd revealed the details via a conversation on Facebook.
Okay, so I logged in to his account to discover that conversation, which of course, was completely and utterly wrong...but ultimately not a patch on the fact that he'd been having an affair for months and exposing the sexual nature of that in chats with 'her'.
So anyway, that was last Friday night's discovery.
Him away for several nights with work (nothing new there), and me tucked up in bed and whiling away a few hours before the start of another weekend of my self-induced obligatory exercising and getting away with as little food consumption as possible.
You see, I'm an anorexic.
Not a recovered one, not even a sufficiently 'recovering' or 'improved' one - just anorexic. Plain and simple.
For years now, I've been chained to this disorder, and while i'm sat here feeling the effects of his gruesome, awful, painful, sickening affair, the reality is that my own affair has been taking place with an eating disorder.
I've had this third party at the centre of our relationship since the day i fell in love with him seven years ago.
Admittedly, i was slightly better when he and I started together then than i have become in recent years.
In total, the disease has had me in its grip for little short of 12 years - and he arrived on the scene after a period of weight restoration and at a point when i genuinely believed that I'd turned a corner and was ready to be loved.
He believed that too.
We've had our ups and downs - sometimes with the food being barely an issue in our busy and complex lives, sometimes with it being the source of blazing rows and awful lies that no couple should ever have to go through.
And that's where the problem of our recent relationship lies.
Those rows extended, the pain grew, the hurt mounted....and with it, the lies which we would impose on each other.
Ultimately, despite him telling me time and time again that our relationship was at the brink, I chose not to listen (or was deafened by the voice of Ana) and wound up watching the love of my life have an affair with someone less complicated, less stressful, more sexy, more healthy....more promising.
God. If only i'd just realised a few months ago that i had pushed us both to the end of the road.
Why didn't I see it reaching this climax?
Why didn't I wake up and get a grip of my own 'affair' and stop it in its tracks?
Instead, day after day, night after night, I'd lie about food when he wasn't there, push food around my plate when he was there, exercise too much, rest too little, and continually shy away from his affections and compassion.
So is it any wonder the guy needed some attention elsewhere?
Is it any wonder my affair prompted his?
But where does all this leave me today?
All i know is that far too much time and grief has been spent on this illness / disease / disorder / whatever label you want to give to it.
Do i hate him for the affair? Yes, yes of course I hate him for doing the one thing that was always going to hurt me so so much.
I hate him for ruining my happy ever after by being a man capable of sleeping with another woman.
But did I deserve it, do I believe that it was possibly the only thing that would make me realise the state he and I were in...well actually, yes, I do believe that.
It doesn't in any way make it right or acceptable, but Lord knows it's made little difference when I've been told what a state my potential fertility is in, the fact that I've had osteoporosis since my late 20s or that I risk major heart problems.
None of that changed a thing.
In fact, the irony of all this is that in the last three weeks i've had the most awful personal situation to contend with, and yet nothing has helped me waks up quite like discovering his affair.
My dad has been diagnosed with cancer, my gran suffered a stroke (and subsequently died)...and now this.
Much as I'd love to say that one of those earlier things might have been enough to finally help me turn the corner, I think i can say with hand on heart that they just weren't....or else surely the counselling and professional assistance in previous years would have worked their magic.
So this why I entitle this blog 'It Starts Here'.
It has gone on too long, caused too much pain and left too many lives shattered or in some way affected.
Why on earth it has taken me so long to get to this stage, I can't say, other than that this as an horrendous and addictive illness which takes enormous strength to overcome.
My mistake has been not trying to battle it earlier.
But here, here and now, I vow to put this affair behind me and to begin my new Real Life.
I don't know where that leaves Him and I.
I don't know if we will make it, if he will ever love me like he used to, if I will ever fully forgive him or if he can find it within him to forgive or to begin to trust me.
All i know is that too many tears and years have been wasted on this.
If you're in the early stages of your own E-D affair or compulsive addiction, then please, for God's sake, do something sane and appropriate.
Stop this illness and take control of your own life.
There is too much at stake.
I am already paying the price emotionally in far more severe way than I ever thought possible. Please, for me, put an end to your disorder and seek the love and support of those around you.
To conquer this is by far the better thing for you, your loved ones and the future you may one day allow yourself.
It starts here for me. It could for you too.

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